Sorry I didn't notice sooner.

Hello tree.
How long have your branches been bare?

Since when did you shed your leaves
To the deathless wind
Headed for another place?

For how long have you been naked
Beautiful in the light of autumn,
The blazing sunset?

How long will it be 'till your branches are dead
And the cold covers all
With its icy touch?

.

Luminismia

(This post is an imitation of Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, on of my favorite things ever. Go check it out.)
Luminismia- n. The feeling of waking up to find freshly fallen snow outside your window, the struggle to remember and catch and keep just a moment of your passing life to keep forever, a reminder of all things wonderful and an invitation to slow down and remember that life is about more than grades or school or corporate success.

Etymology:
From luminism, an American landscape painting style of the 1850s – 1870s, characterized by effects of light in landscapes, through using aerial perspective, and concealing visible brushstrokes. Luminist landscapes emphasize tranquility, and often depict calm, reflective water and a soft, hazy sky.
Lumi is also the Finnish word for snow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~


You wake up. The first memory of the day. A fresh moment, a moment of brief clarity before the chaos of the day starts.

In a short time, this moment is going to fade into the background of your memory.
So you wake up, needing for something different. Something to cling onto as torrents of other memories dissipate into the darkness. Something to keep as proof of a beautiful life lived. Something to remember tomorrow of who you once were.

Snow.

Looking out, to find that everything has been covered over with a blanket of white. It's something so simple yet so powerful.

There are so many shades of white that you'd forgotten existed. The world has decided to be different, just for a while. The trees, the branches, the rooftops, the lake.

Even the sky has turned white.

The children run outside to laugh and play in the snow. Adults stop what they're doing, just for a short moment, to recognize that today, here's something special. One out of 365 days. Your senses seem to sharpen so as to take in and retain as much as possible before it all melts.

Such is the pull of freshly fallen snow. When the world stops to celebrate life's moments, you think to yourself, what am I doing? Trudging through life and school and work, as always? Worrying about people and grades and places? Snow is an invitation to stop and remember, just for a moment, that joy is found in small places, added up, each tiny brush stroke an addition to a beautiful canvas of memories that make up life.

You're not going to remember each stroke of the brush, each carefully planned and loving line your creator has placed. But looking out at this snow, you realize that's okay. This is only a small part of the bigger picture. The darker parts and the brighter parts, though you may not remember them all individually, they're not going anywhere. Take the time to be grateful for that today. Take the time to be grateful for everything that's happened to you, or you'd never be here today.

And enjoy the snow.


(An unofficial Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows entry.)

The problem with the internet or culture or art or entertainment or society or whatever because I'm not exactly sure what this is about.

I've been thinking a lot about culture. Culture is so hard to escape. Impossible actually. I don't really like the way culture has gone. Why does our internet culture promote complaining all the time and being insensitive. It's so mean sometimes. It's a destructive force sometimes. When the internet teams up to shame someone for making a tiny mistake, like i watched a ted talk about how Justine Sacco's one tweet ruined her entire life because people didn't get her joke. She was being sarcastic and no one got it and those who did and tried to speak out also got called racist because they were in the minority. I don't know what I'm going about because at this point I'm just repeating what others have said. My view is very narrow. Culture is a huge thing with many many subcultures with different values and expressions so I don't really know what I'm talking about... so many layers... See, when people complain about culture (music these days is so bad, modern art sucks, etc) they're not actually attacking what they are complaining about, they are attacking a way simplified and two dimensional projection of it that lives in their heads. Actually culture is a thing that lives in peoples' heads but it's too big and each person can only actually see in detail a tiny part of it, but that's not what I was gonna say.

I guess I would be the same. I'm too unwilling to wrong anyone to criticize anything. But still I feel like culture these days, at least mainstream culture is so... idk, the attitude is all wrong. Culture is so obsessed with criticizing others. It also feels like it's cheap and repetitive. I just can't have fun participating with culture anymore because it feels so pointless to me. I turned the tv on and there's always at least two channels with like a divorce court show or something. And there's some game shows some sitcoms and like some show about celebrity news or whatever. idek. But like what's the point?? It's soo pointless and apparently people watch stuff. People think I'm childish for watching the PBS Kids but honestly it's so much more... morally pure? I've also watched the world channel more and more.. what have i been missing on that thing? so much stuff there. independent documentaries, glimpses into places and lives I've never witnessed or experienced or known or comprehended before. And then all the happy commercials trying to be happy but it feels like a parody of the actual thing, happiness.

The internet is even harder to say anything about in this context. Am I the only one who hates those "so relatable" posts? When I first got a social media account, these posts intrigued me so much.. They made me feel not alone I guess. My whole life I've been isolated and the internet opened up this whole new level of connectedness. Those posts were like, the small things that the internet noticed and decided to summarize in a neat little posts. But these seemingly common things or so-called first-world problems aren't very relatable at all considering the number of people who need to struggle to barely scrape together a living every day. At the end of the day, many of these posts are just people complaining about things that matter so little. These posts are so unsensitive and when I realized it I felt so guilty. Why is it that people pay attention to these things and not the important things in life? In some ways culture just serves to distract people from what's important.

And as you spend more time in the internet, you start to see the rules and the patterns. Culture is better at noticing some things than other things. It tends to notice completely arbitrary and completely unimportant things. You see that the simple act of defining and describing something changes that thing. The internet is obsessed with pointing out things that you'd otherwise probably not notice on your own. And when you notice things their nature changes. And then your life becomes... crystallized. Fossilized. I don't know. The mystery and unknown is just.... killed. Previous to the beginning of my internet citizenship, I didn't have such things to define the things in my life and I lived in a muddle.... you know, I really miss that muddle. It just feels different. And with my personal discovery of the wealth of information on the internet, it was all so new and fresh you know? It's exciting. With this new discovery came the foolish over-confidence. Like, I know stuff now! I have the internet now! I have learned stuff via this magical info-space and now I am an ascended being!! ..It's funny. Have you ever noticed how there's an inverse correlation between confidence and competence? Me, an amateur interneteer (i just coined a word) learning new stuff at a fast rate gaining confidence at that fast rate. But as you gain competence, you begin to realize that you haven't even begun to understand, not at all. Not at all....

But then, there comes this point when suddenly you emerge, you realize that you haven't been expanding your view by learning, you haven't been growing and maturing... in fact, you've grown more and more increasingly dependent on a glowing rectangular machine. Creating an illusion of expanding your world when actually your world has become more and more and more restricted until it's just a screen. And like all addictions, you are left wanting more but never satisfied. Because once you've seen what's on the internet that you couldn't ever get the chance to experience in person, you become acutely aware of how stuck you are in life. The same cycle of being a student, or maybe if you're an adult, work.

Actually, all music, literature, art, games, are to some extent addicting. Art just has a tendency to make you feel so small. The thing is that the internet is the tool for accessing anything you want. but it's not the same as seeing it in person. When you see some things on the internet (or in a magazine or on tv) it's not actually the thing itself you're seeing, it's more like you're seeing a description of it or a representation of it. Obviously this doesnt apply for music or literature but in the case of literature, I think there's something about having a physical copy of the book that just can't be replaced.

Wait I got it. What I think I'm trying to say is the media makes us lose sight of the scope of the world. Creating an illusion-space, calling attention to small pointless things rather than big important things, and it makes you feel better than you are. Obviously it depends how you choose to use the internet and media and stuff. Idk. Maybe what I'm actually trying to say is that entertainment these days makes us lose scope of the world. But then that's being kind of grinchy because life is about fun. And if you don't have fun, then life isn't fun. So maybe the problem is too much fun, resulting in it being not fun anymore. You can't have fun all the time or else fun isn't fun. So as society keeps trying to have more fun, our perceptions of reality will become more and more diminished. Then we're screwed. You know what terrifies me? When virtual reality becomes more and more of a thing, what is going to happen when people decide that they like their virtual reality more than the actual one? Then we're screwed.

What am I even doing. I can't afford to spend time thinking too hard because it will only distract me more from what matters. And I am the world's biggest hypocrite so I'm just going to stop now.
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There's this thing that's been bothering me since we read Phantom of the Opera in English class last year. Other people seemed to be fine with it but I wasn't, and I didn't say anything about it because I was confused I guess. I don't usually think about it but it still bothers me when I do. They had the thing with inner and outer realities: Erik believes he will never be accepted by society, while actually people would accept him if they got to know him. The concept of there being an "outer reality" is something I can't take. I went along with it in school because that's what you have to do in school. You don't argue. There is no such thing as an "outer reality" separate from all human belief and bias. The only reality I have to measure against Erik's is my own. And by calling my reality an "outer reality", I basically just selfishly, insensitively, ignorantly, narrow-mindedly assert MY reality as more valid, true, real than Erik's, or anyone else's. Maybe there's an average reality that somewhat applies for some people, but in taking an average you're failing to represent the wide range of people with different outlooks on life. And even then, what does "average" even mean? You can't average people like numbers. And the average person doesn't exist. Even the most typical person would deviate from the mean in some significant way(s). It irks me how everyone just went along with inner reality and outer reality. I'm sure some people probably see things in terms of inner and outer reality in real life too, not just with fictional characters such as Erik. Someone will see someone else who, idk, believes a different religion and be like "oh, that poor person is so trapped in his inner reality that he doesn't see the reality of things," when really it should be something more like "That person's reality is different from mine" and that is okay because people are different. It doesn't mean you have to agree with them but it would do you some good if you would admit that your reality is not the standard for being correct. I watch people talking about other people like they're misguided and lost and delusional. Yeah, maybe they are. But I'll never know will I? All I can do is speculate about my own life and about others. I choose to believe certain things, and I acknowledge that there's a chance I might be wrong, but I'm willing to accept that chance and place my bet on what I believe.

Snowflakes

My attention was brought back to this blog that I half-deliberately forgot about, and I looked at it and was like, "...yeah I have to write something to get the most poisonous thing I've probably ever written away from the top of the page." I don't want to delete it because in some twisted way I'm proud of it.? Oh geez it's terrible. So yeah let's all just forget that existed and mooove on to the next thing... please...

It's actually quite, IDK, somewhere between amazing and horrifying, how different a person (me) can become when circumstances are changed. Just the way I think and the way I feel. It's different. I don't feel the same at all. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I actually have not felt this way since last summer, and I remember thinking and feeling with similar thought patterns in elementary school. It seems like I've returned to my original state or something? Maybe it's how I always feel (or should feel) when I'm unstressed and away from the influence of people and culture. I guess that should be a good thing. It also worries me because I feel younger again, have I even grown at all? The past year has brought so many changes that I'd like to keep please and it feels like I've just circled back to where I've started. Just another year. That's the horrifying part. I've grown, but removed from the school environment I'm kind of scared that I'll just return to my original state. If things do not keep being pushed forward, they will fall back. I'm so scared I'll forget what I learned. It's easy to think something now, but is it even possible to maintain the same attitude and psychological state when circumstances and settings have changed?

I read half a book last year, The Geography of Thought, and it was about How Asians and Westerners Think Differently. In many cases the Westerner tends to think of things in terms of objects and the qualities of those objects, objects as their own entities, clearly defined and governed by sets of rules. The Asian sees things as being a part of an interconnected system, where things are always changing and things are collections of their relationships with other things. I feel that the Western view is just, I have to say wrong. A Westerner thinks of himself as a unit, a thing with qualities, for example the quality of "being shy" or "being honest," and he is a thing in himself. The Westerner moves around in a sea of other people-things, navigating, but operating separately from each other. An Asian sees themselves as the collection of interactions with different people in different situations. The Asian does not attribute "being shy" or "being honest" to being a fundamental intrinsic quality of himself, he sees them as the result of circumstance and setting. Not just in the spacial dimensions but also in the time dimension. He's not shy because he is shy, he's shy because he's in a new situation or because he feels no one wants to talk to him or he happens to not know anyone or he just doesn't want to talk.

Realizing this "Asian view" is painfully crippling as it dawns on you that the certainty of knowing who you are isn't something you'll ever feel again.

Now it's summer. I don't feel like I was during school. I can't figure this out. I'd just reached a state of psychological stability and equilibrium (basically) during the school year. Finally figured it out. Had about a month to relish in that. Now summer. And I feel like I'm going mad because without all of the people and things that made me, what even and who even am I now. It's unfamiliar and I want to go back when I actually felt that I knew myself. I feel this heavy sense of loss because once something disappears it's not likely to come back, and I liked who I was. Now I've lost that, it feels like. I've gone nowhere. It's just augh. I also feel so horrible even complaining about this problem-that's-not-a-problem-when-you-think-about-the-hardships-that-people-with-real-problems-have-to-face. I wish I never wrote this because now I am just feeling disgusted with myself.

I'm not afraid of change. The uncertainty of the future doesn't scare me (anymore) or at least not compared to the fact that what I already have is not something I can keep. My life now is so beautiful, and I'm so grateful to have it. I thank God every day for everything. Gratefulness should have been second on my list. This beauty is so so so so special and I can't keep it forever. Only in my memory. I can only save small fragments of it in my memory.

I am reminded of Snowflake Bentley who went out during every snowstorm and blizzard to save as many snowflakes in photographs as possible. Each snowflake is a beautiful breathtaking work of art created by God, and they hit the ground and melt away. The millions of snowflakes that no one has ever seen, the beauty that came and went. It's so tragic. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry over the loss of so many beautiful things that died, not just snowflakes. The things like memories and ideas that fade into oblivion. Moments of pure peace and perfection, when all the stars align and the trees are still, not daring to break the beauty, and there's a soft breeze, but no one is there to witness it. Or, maybe it's only me, there, struck by the beauty and joy and sheer wonder of it, but it's accompanied by the sadness that people are missing it, that there are people who aren't here to see this and feel this. This world is not perfect but it's so chock full of beauty. It makes you want to cry. This world crafted with love by God. Maybe it's because I'm an artsy person, but I know that intimate connection between the artist and his work. It takes love to art. I feel God's love more through the beauty He's created in this world, as this world, than through anything else. It's endless. that amount of love.

One last thing. Snowflake Bentley died of pneumonia after walking six miles in a blizzard.

Satire with Extra Mashed Potatoes

The wind speaks to me and there are colors. Am I sleeping or am I dead? I am not blinded with sight. Eyes lie. I am not deafened by hearing. Ears lie. Truth surrounds me. I am truth. I feel nothing. Nothingness surrounds me. I am nothing. But nothing is not blank. Nothing is not dark. In nothing, there is something. Truth, pulsing throughout the universe, like life in a seemingly lifeless tree. In nothingness, there is swirling certainty. There are colors, pink, purple, yellow, and blue. They are not seen, they are not felt, they simply exist. My pocket of reality is contained in nothingness.

You are deceived. You think you know. You think you know everything. But how can you know when you have eyes to trick you, and ears to fool you?

I stand still and strong, stretching forever upwards towards the light and warmth, the freedom forever unobtainable, the overwhelming, the wonder of everything out there in this world. Reaching down into the dark and damp security of darkness and quietness, where nothing can seep into, hiding, burrowed and buried into myself again and again. Seeking to disappear into safety and quiet.

Time is just yet another illusion that the you buy into. Consciousness isn’t real. It’s a veil obscuring the nothing beyond it. Consciousness isn’t real, emotions aren’t real, beauty isn’t real. The only thing real is nothingness, and truth. Sometimes people say that the truth is harsh. It is not. It simply exists. It is like wood of a tree, hard and unresponsive. Still. Emotionless. It’s hard to believe it’s actually alive.

Instead you chase after the fluttering leaves in the wind, dancing on branches and letting bits of the blue sky through, waving like little flags with their rustling sound. The leaves seem alive. They move beautifully. They offer a promise of truth, hope, and salvation. Then the wind blows harder and the rain comes, and the leaves fall away to the ground, dying, paper-thin lies. The black trunk is all there is left. The hard wood is by no means a bad thing, or a good thing, or any sort of thing. It simply exists.

That is the thing about truth, is nobody understands. And the harder you try, the more obscured it becomes. You get lost in circles and paths that split off infinitely  and then loop back, drop you off into the void and lead you towards madness.

No, come, see me. See how I live. I am strong. I am timeless. I know the truth, which you will never know like I do. The truth is in nothing. Are you jealous? That I live in a world pure and free from confusing senses and feelings and thoughts? That I dwell in simplicity? That I know truth, and you don’t? That I live in nothingness? You wish you could understand, but you cannot. You will never understand. You are a human being suffering under your own ignorance. You can’t unsee things. You can’t unhear things. You can’t unthink things or unfeel things no matter how you try. You can’t get to the center of the universe, where I always was. I am better than you, and there is no denial. Are you jealous? Jealous? Jealous? Ha ha ha. Look at you and your confused little mind. All those swirling silly emotions. You will never understand. You will never know.

The rain talks to me. There is music. The earth whispers to me. The sun sings to me. I simply live. That’s all there is to it. And yet you can’t.

You will never understand. After all, you are a human, and I am a tree. We will never stand level. You will never see truth.