I have no life

People like to think they're more complicated than they actually are. I just randomly realized that while reading about John Green's snapchat on Buzzfeed. John Green actually has ideas. Ideas are complicated, or at least, well-formed good ideas are. Ideas are what create art, and feelings are the raw material of ideas. People like to place importance on feelings. I agree. But a feeling is a long way away from being an idea and even further from being art. Sometimes I am guilty of over-valuing my feelings. Intense, beautiful feelings that get lodged in your chest and make you feel short of breath and demand your attention, and paying attention to your feelings suddenly it seems like your feelings are super important and big and real. And wow, these feelings, okay great, well, the problem is that feelings are felt individually only. Your feelings that are so real to you, exist to no one else. Other people have their own feelings. And sometimes, when you are so focused on your own feelings, it's easy to forget about other people, and then sometimes you get self-important about your feelings and you feel like your feelings are bigger and realer than everyone else's, which gives you importance. You're the main character of your own story. You're the center. You're the one with the feelings. You're important and less so everyone else. That's just so utterly completely wrong though. Even though you don't consciously think that, it's embedded in your subconscious. That was me two months ago. A time when my feelings of sadness, frustration, hopelessness, but also of ecstasy and joy and wonder and awe grew to beasts that surrounded me and tossed me around to each other in some cruel game of catch, until I was limp and blinded to everything and unable to see clearly. It's easy to get selfish about feelings. I try my very very very hardest not to be. I used to be one of the people who thought that, since I have feelings I'm important. And yeah sure feelings are important?? But really, seriously, what use are feelings going to be if you don't use them to build ideas, or if you don't learn something from them, or if you don't use them to sympathize with others? I think that's the difference between people who have feelings and people who have ideas. Having good ideas is hard. John Green has ideas. What's more, he's good at communicating them. Ideas give feelings a mind, but they're so hard to hold on to. I respect John Green. He has lots of good ideas. Maybe it's a thing that comes with being an adult. I don't know. I think Hank once said that the difference between being a child and an adult is thoughtfulness or something. Well obviously I have a long way to go before being an adult then. See this is why I can't art. You can't art without ideas. Well, actually, you can art, but no promises on being able to art well. All I can do now is practice drawing so that when I actually have good ideas, I can have the skill capability to actually make them come to life. This is why teenage writing always comes out cliche and unoriginal. Just look at those teen ink books. Sure they're written well enough but you find the same values repeated over and over again across stories. And you'll find that a lot of them focus on feelings rather than ideas, which is great and all, but you just read it and then forget about it, while an idea will play over and over in your head and stimulate emotional responses anyways. And the ideas in teen writings are often laid out straight, not woven into a story or anything. Which is just harder to feel. Like for example in A Glory of Unicorns compiled by Bruce Coville all the writings are by adults and it's not anything like the teen ink books. All of them are very good because the ideas are actually part of a story not just stated plainly. While a teen ink story would be like "independence is important" a glory of unicorns story would be about a unicorn coming to a girl who is being ignored by her sister, and luring her out into the forest and then accidentally burning her with its fiery mane of passion and teaching her how to dance on her own, thus teaching her that she doesn't always need to follow her sister and others.

Okay, so I just typed all of that. That wasn't even the original intent of this blog post, I came to say that "people like to think they're more complicated than they actually are." Because I just realized that and turned around and looked at myself and my feelings, and realized that my feelings are not as big and huge as they seem. And then I wanted to write a list of feelings in order of how frequently I feel them. Idek why but I feel like if I write them down they'll be, idk, contained somehow and less scary and easier to handle. so ok, I'm going to try my best to order these from most frequent to least frequent.

1. Awe
2. Guilt
3. Defeat
4. Peace
5. Dread/fear
6. Optimism (which is probably not even a feeling but I feel like just putting "happy" is too broad)
7. Sadness
8. Frustration/anger
9. Numbness
10. Joy/ecstasy
11. Determination (screw this I define feeling how I want to)

Ok there horrible list that I wrote while I should have been doing work

And probably my worst blog post yet and that is saying a lot